Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
