i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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