I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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