How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
