U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
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Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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