he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
