You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
