There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
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You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
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if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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