Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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