Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
