Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
