I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
