I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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