I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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