It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
