I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
