good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
