Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
