is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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