I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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