The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
