i permit you to call me
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
