ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
