In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
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If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
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I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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