my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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