I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I can't turn off my feet"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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