You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
