Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
