3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
