I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
