I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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