its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
