Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
