My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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