i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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