He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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