well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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