Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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