Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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