it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize