i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
