just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
