ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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