just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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