So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
