I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I love you. Go after that dick
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
