I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
