You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
