I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
