I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
