Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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