Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
