Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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