I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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