True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You're like the curious george of whores
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
