I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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