apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
