We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
