and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
