Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
