I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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