Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
