u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
