i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
