I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
